“My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus’ blood and righteousness…” (Solid Rock, Edward Mote, 1834). Now, I know that not everyone reading this feels the same, and I’m only sharing where I’m at, but whether or not you can relate to my faith walk, I’m thinking if you’ve spent some time on the planet, you can at least relate to marking milestones in your life; you know – those times where you fought hard just to get somewhere – or even to make it one more day without giving up. This blog is about the fighter – the warrior in me – maybe in you too? And what’s the fight for/about? For me, it’s my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
Thirty years ago this month, I “came to” over my own undigested mess and an empty vodka bottle next to the sofa I was passed out on. It was a miracle I didn’t choke on it and I’ve always said I wasn’t a “blackout drinker” but I don’t remember throwing up – or anything after I started the day before. I think I just always thought I had to be outside the home drunk & had forgotten what I did, not held up and isolated like I’d become, in order to qualify for that one (I thought it was still a Y.E.T. (you’re eligible too) for me. It wasn’t.
That’s the best it was gonna get for me staying on that path.
I was twenty-five. I was done. But, I was terrified. Terrified to live this crazy life without my escape mechanism. I was terrified I couldn’t stay stopped. I mean I could stop – I was a binge drinker – not 24/7 or daily. I just couldn’t stay stopped.
I had actually given recovery meetings a half-hearted effort a few years earlier while simultaneously attending groups for loved ones with addiction troubles but ME stop drinking, chasing bands, guys, things – at twenty-three? Naaaaa. I was too young, right?
Wrong. I wasn’t done…then…but at twenty-five? I surrendered. I had to.
I had to really lose my life to really find it.
And not just life as in physical, but spiritually, which is actually so much more than not drinking (as important as it is) or sobriety of the body; but mind, heart, and inner-man.
But if I wasn’t able to get sober nothing else was possible so first and foremost that had to take center stage. And before you wonder if this was one of those lightning bolt transformations of a person being lost and then saved and sober all in one moment that’s not my story. I’ve been chasing Jesus all my life, made several attempts at turning my life around but always keeping God in my back pocket – never truly letting Him lead.
I had to learn that complete surrender of my life, my will, my hopes and my dreams was the only way to true sobriety of body, mind, heart, and soul. I also had to learn how to trust people again; especially the people that had walked this road before me – and some of y’all are reading this now. I am ever grateful for you. Some have moved on to the heavenly realms and one day I’ll get to throw my arms around them again too.
My light-bulb moment was indeed recognizing I was out of control and this was nothing but the grace of God. But, my walk with Him? It’s been a process – as recovery is. Yes, I have definitely had some amazing life changing moments with a very real God and I’ve also made my share of very real blunders in this walk too. The most important thing for me to say to all of that is: God is faithful.
A lot has happened in 30 years. Definitely too much for one post but for today I will just say but no matter what has happened or will happen there’s never a good enough reason for me to pick up a drink, a drug or a substitute. In fact, some old-timers (may God forever bless their heart’s & souls) would always say, “even if your a#% (buttocks) falls off, you can’t drink!” annnnndddd if you know my medical history…that’s been challenged and proven true too because IT technically (medically) has (well, at least re-routed), and I haven’t 😊. One day at a time sweet Jesus 🎶 that’s where peace is at y’all.
I may leave this world with the disease of alcoholism in my “make up” or actually in my genes (and I can prove I have two copies of that gene) but by the grace of God, it won’t be because of alcoholism.
So, I wonder what God has planned for me in my next 30 years 😎 Thanks for joining me on the journey as I walk the road of recovery – and – discovery!
If you are struggling with any life challenge, please see my links page for some options 💜
Journal of a Warrior's Journey 